


Faith love and sorrow

by Starbuck09256



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, MSR, UST, season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbuck09256/pseuds/Starbuck09256
Summary: making it personal. Mulder doesn't talk to scully for three weeks after his comment and Scully has enough.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Faith love and sorrow

Love Faith and Sorrow  
She sits on her couch the tv screen illuminating her sad apartment with infomercials. She took three weeks off after the disaster that was el rico air base. Mulder hasn’t called her, hasn’t checked in didn’t even bother to see if she was ok. Holly said that he was spending more and more time with Diana.  
Fucking Diana. “you’re making this personal..” he had said, yea it’s fucking personal, I’ve lost my sister, lost 3 months of my life, my health, my daughter and any children I might have. I asked you to be the father of my children and you dare to tell me that I’m making things personal? Haven’t they always been personal haven’t we been personal this whole time with these small touches and soft moments lost in the years together. Have you forgotten about us Mulder? How do we stay up late talking about nothing and everything and share 80% of our meals together? How do we spend every waking minute arguing about this and that, Stealing the blankets during an off movie night? You go on some spiritual journey and still end up calling me 8 times? You getting upset because I wanted a life that you thought was yours too? But now we are lost and it’s 2am and I’m sniffling on my couch angry and sad at a boy. Never in my life have I been this way, never been one to break down over some relationship. I walked away from a man who would have left everything to be with me and I barely blinked. Fuck you Mulder, fuck you for making me feel like I don’t matter, that none of it mattered. That all those times you said how important I was to you, you were lying. Lying to my heart just to get me to stay for your personal cause. You can have that bitch Diana who cares if she is behind it all. I’m tired of fighting for something that I thought we both were in together. I have a ton of vacation time and I’ve already started looking into other field offices, maybe back to California away from all of this and you. Back to where my little girl is buried.   
What is that sound? It makes it hard to continue my sad pity party and it hurts with all the wine I drank earlier. It’s the phone, it’s him. Finally calling because now is the best time for him, doesn’t matter that it’s 2:45 am doesn’t matter that people are usually sleeping. That I might be sleeping or not even here or dead in some alley way because I once again was mad and ran off to some bar with some guy because I fucking could. I let the machine pick up because I know that if I answer that phone I will ruin the most fulfilling relationship in my life and it kills me that I know what we really are even when you don’t. Your voice fills the room like fire every inch suffocating under the tenor of your words.  
“hey scully, I know you’re home, please pick up, we need to talk.”   
“Do we?” I whisper into the darkness. 

I bury my face into the couch letting the softness cushion my broken heart. Maybe if I just close my eyes I’ll wake up from this terrible nightmare. It’s almost worse than dying, worse than thinking I would never see you again, never know your love. Because I fucking know it and now it’s gone and it hurts so much more than I ever thought anything could. Now knocking, knowing me so well knowing I would let you in.   
You wonder why I never gave you a key, why you so trusting and loving gave me one so early on, years and years ago. Letting me into your little world and me shielding myself away, placing barriers. Strong sturdy barriers. You had a key when I was sick but then I asked for it back.   
Do you know why? Did you ever even question it? Why suddenly I needed my barriers back, needed that space and distance? You’re the profiler you probably do know and yet here you come here anyway. I get up because I know you will just pick the lock if I don’t. Sighing wrapping the blanket around myself as another layer of protection so you don’t see the broken soul that I feel like I am. Buck up Dana, I tell myself no one controls you, you control every action you make, you are in control. I tell myself, emotions will not serve a purpose here. He wants things to not be personal and show him how it’s done. Show him you can make him feel just as arbitrary as he made you feel.   
“Go home Mulder,” don’t even open the door and give him the satisfaction of seeing his affect on you.   
“I’m not leaving Scully, I’ll sleep out here if I have too.”   
“Fine, sweet dreams” I walk away towards my bedroom.   
He’s here and he’s safe right outside the door.   
“Scully I realized something really important tonight and I really need to talk to you. Please don’t make me do this through a door”   
My armor cracking just slightly damn him and his soft voice, smooth as my silk pajamas sliding over my reservations. I open the door just slightly the chain is still on and I just do this because he will never leave and sometimes you just have to realize his level of resilience, once I found it endearing mesmerizing even so powerful and captivating that I thought about what it would be like to be his center of focus. How stupid I was.   
“What?” I said harshly.   
Harsh than I meant to be because now he’ll know how angry I am.   
“can I please come in?” he asks looking inside to see what I’m hiding.   
I’m hiding from you I think, hiding from myself and my own stupid delusions that we were more than we are and learning how to function apart.   
“What do you want? I haven’t heard from you at all in three weeks and now you want to come in? Sit maybe have a spot of tea?”   
“Dana please,” oh no you didn’t pull the d card.   
That saying my given name to convey some mystical sense of commitment. Fine I’ll go for broke, I’ll break this so hard you won’t ever be able to put us back together.   
“You know what I’ve realized these past weeks Mulder?” I say my tone so deadly calm that I scare myself with its strength.   
“I really thought we built our relationship on love and understanding, but now I realize we didn’t, we built it on proximity and touch. The farther away we get from each other, the more we forget how to love each other. Not that we really ever got the chance to love each other anyway.”   
I move to close the door on his face. It clicks and I throw the deadbolt into place with my heart back in shackles and safe once more. I hear him sit against the door but make no move forward. We are so broken that I don’t think god himself could fix it, fix this… us, perhaps being so damaged is a good thing. Because then you really get to see what you are made of and know that it is stronger than love, faith and sorrow.


End file.
